“What I really meant to say, is I’m sorry for the way I am, I never meant to be so cold… Never meant to be so, cold.” At my most anxious, at my most stressful, at my lowest moments I’ve always looked for moments of clarity, my portal being music. Yesterday was that day, I was at the library of my school, in one of those very deceiving locations where you think you see me but you don’t. I sat down on a couch and took out the book to the most difficult sociology course I’ve taken in my college career. The first thing I grabbed was my headphones, and shuffled some random playlist. In the midst of a reading that had my full attention, this really hard to ignore song came on.
The sultry, apologetic, pained almost anguished song took me away from the reading. Immediately I was drawn to a moment when I felt exactly what he was singing, that moment right when things came together, to fall apart again. Cold by Crossfade, is one of those songs that makes you travel to a time where you were so close yet so far. Reaching but not really reaching for anything. It’s crazy to think that a man can’t hurt, but hurt took form with this song. “I never meant to be so cold” but why cold. That was my final question, why cold?
I started thinking of all those moments when I been called cold, or perceived as cold. I made a list, of cold moments, my list had the two most powerful moments: For starters, Siblings Day. I stated I was the only child when I actually have three half brothers. However, I said I was the only child and thanked my best friends and my sorority for being my siblings. Digging deeper, I thanked them for being there when my brothers never have been. Moment number two, perhaps the day I told my father that my mom might as well been both parents because he was such a stranger in my life growing up, versus my mom was the biggest foundation of love growing up. I was called many names, but the one I recollect strongly is being called “cold.” What is this state of being “cold?” Then I started listing things cold. The cold you can physically touch and experience, and feel. Cold like the winter, a snowflake, the descending avalanche, an iceberg, ice, snow, and transported myself there.
“The screwed up side of me I keep, locked inside of me so deep…” Being cold, unfeeling, unsympathetic, sometimes even being cruel. Being cold disregards feelings or acting maliciously. Cold hearted is a contradiction, because the heart is associated with feelings of tenderness, compassion and love. It’s warm, associated with good things, and cold adds the negative connotation, connecting it to a lack of progress, and frozen growth, a distinctive delay. Cold creates an unwelcoming atmosphere, and unhappiness. Physical cold, the strongest image, the snow and the winter. Seasons are a vital transition, inevitable and necessary evolution of our planet. It also marks an evolution of human consciousness, and every season in its own distinct form has a deep symbolic meaning.
Winter, the stillness of life, the silence. The world has become an introvert, contemplating what’s happening within. Meant to quiet the mind, and crystallize inner workings. Snow in particular, is a heavy contrast. Very soft, angelic and gentle, but barren and cold. Just like it changes substance when it melts, feelings also change. Snow, the worlds blanket. Although cold, it shelters the world with purity and all things natural. The snow is spiritual cleansing that results profoundly uplifting, each snowflake coming together to form magic.
Consider what’s going on within the next time you’re perceived as cold. I’ve been called cold hearted for showing no emotion, being honest, or choosing to guard my feelings. But why not call me guarded, and not cold hearted? However, stop to question: What needs strengthening? Release? What would we like to reveal about ourselves when the sunshine returns and the heat melts your avalanche granting you a new beginning? It’s not about being cold hearted, but giving yourself room to grow, transform, and evolve. The only way to go from here is up.