In my efforts to turn negatives into positives I am here. Something just really got under my skin, and once I am upset I lock myself in my office and cry under my chair. Seems to be the heartfelt solution, because as I attempt to play the role of responsible adult I seek comfort in my inner child. But a handsome boy once told me that I needed to stop doing that and start thinking happy thoughts. I ran upstairs and sat by my desk and began to gather some of my happiest thoughts and funny they all had this handsome boy. Funny, how things work and what I consider happy thoughts. Some picture a vacation or accomplishments and I am thinking about love.
– Ode to a Handsome Boy –
I’ve always wanted someone to hold me,
To look me in the eyes and see the world in me,
To leap into the future, just you and me,
Through the good times and bad, see the best in me,
To calm the aggression with love and caresses,
To see the most beautiful girl in the world as she undresses,
To continue feeding the ambitions and dreams she possesses,
To be her right hand, and the love she address.
It seems like through it all she wants you,
Although your baggage and unromantic ways make her feel blue,
But there’s nothing in the world for you she wouldn’t do,
You’re the man of her dreams, and yes she thought this through.
Don’t judge me, I have moments where I burst into poetry. Poetry is just so beautiful and so open to interpretation. Hence, my favorite poem hangs on my personal board right behind my desk. I seek comfort in words, and safety in actions. I have always been that way. I am always asking questions, or find myself repeating questions just to feel a splash of comfort and a form of affection brings it all together.
“In the perfect field someone has left everything
including themselves. You. You should stay here.
It’s a brutal and beautiful autumn.
With his hands in the sand, on the earth, under time
he touched something else.
People are mostly what they can’t keep and keeps them.”
Remember to leave it all there so that you live a life with no regrets. You can’t expect to receive all and give nothing. Even our ugliest emotions relinquish some truth and give you a new meaning. Beauty is subjective and personal and different based of the individual. There is also beauty in the things that come horribly presented. What is left to fight for, if not your hopes and dreams. Love, is that the something else. It’s been buried for so long and so intimately concealed – then you step away from the surface… we were different people back then. There are minutes of peace and then there is a calm. What keeps you? Is it hope? Is it love? Or even ambition?
I think back to that marble mansion where I once cried in a time where all hope was lost. In spite of so much beauty I was exerting a feeling of heavy contrast. I sat there a little girl, and today I seek the same location with a heart full of hope. I was a different person then. It serves as that minute of peace that keeps me as I keep revisiting the place where I once marked with tears. Soon it’ll have a different meaning.