Dream: My Experience.

Dream: My Experience.

First, I apologize in advance for the typos, writing this was extremely difficult…

Here’s the funny thing about dreams. They consume you, they open portals in your persona that you never though existed. They are the driving force to the unknown, they drive the car to the road trip, they pay the flights to the dream vacation. They are your dreams after all. The bigger you dream, the harder you search, the bigger the conquest. Dreams have no limits; the limit does not exist. They have no roof, no foundation, they become the substance, the purpose.

I have dreamed, multiple times in my life. But this is written in the hopes that I can describe this feeling that now is the driving force of my dream. My dream of becoming someone with purpose, someone with worth, someone of character and willing to serve. An advocate of social justice, the belief system, the guidance that fostered my dreams to begin with. Mr. Massato this one is for you, because I know you are watching over me in heaven so proud of me right now. You were there for me guiding me when I needed you the most and it was all because you saw in me, what I couldn’t see in myself at the time. You guided me into my dreams, and I will forever be grateful to you and for allowing me to dream even when my family wouldn’t. I love you so much, it is still hard to believe you are gone.

Mr. Massato was more than just my crazy, what started off as my typing teacher. I walked into his room this annoying, attitude consumed misguided teenager ready to resist him every way that I knew humanely possible. I walked out of there a dreamer, a leader, someone who knew purpose and was ready to work 115% harder for what I wanted. He was the reason I went to class, he was there for me when I changed my mind about one thousand times picking colleges, when I chose my “dream school” and when when I discovered hidden treasure in my second choice. I dreamt of walking the halls of New Paltz as an undergraduate, but Mr. Massato although he supported me he wanted me to explore my options at home because of my situation at home. When I mentioned Queens College to him initially he urged me to check it out. I was stubborn at first but I decided to go and see it for myself. I can’t even begin to explain the feeling I got when I walked into the Queens College campus, till this day I can’t fully describe it.

The closest I come is always the breeze that touched the side of my face and brushed away the curls in my face. That feeling of entitlement and the feeling of holding and grasping a dream, and having no control over how big this dream was about to unleash. I come from a broken home, but that day I found home. When I came across Queens College that day, I truly found the love of my life and the staircase to my dreams. I opened the vault to my opportunities, I found the precious jewel. I remember going back to Massato the next day and he was already one step ahead of me, with the CUNY application ready to go. I only applied to Queens College that day, and I got in. As my dreams came alive at Queens College I was blessed with breathtaking opportunities, amazing best friends and a beautiful sorority, and Mr. Massato still partaking in my dreams of being a teacher. He saw me struggle but was always there for me. I remember reconsidering my teacher career because it wasn’t what I was passionate about and he walked me to speak to an intern at the school guidance counselor room, and I felt the feeling I felt at Queens College all over again. I immediately dropped my education major and pursued other things because I wanted to be a guidance counselor.

It becomes more and more clear each day that, that is exactly what I want. In my job, my high school kids make my day. I love to see their faces when I tell them that everything starts with dreaming and they will accomplish anything. I also promise to guide them every step of the way. Fordham like New Paltz was my dream school, and I actually went to visit about two weeks ago. Today, I walked into my home, not Fordham. Today I woke up remembering I had RSVP’d to the Brooklyn College Open House and I woke up with Massato’s voice in my head and what he told me before I visited Queens College. Although I had a long day at work, I made it my business to go, and once again I discovered home. I entered a place and I felt like I felt Massato give me the hug because I found it once again, my sense of belonging and the feeling that he instilled in me in being UNSTOPABLE ALWAYS. I felt Massato and the Queens College feeling again. I found home.

Mr. Massato you will always a huge impact in my life, because you showed me love, courage, strength and you instilled in me that I was a leader and I was going to take over the world despite the fact that I will face adversity and set backs. You made me cultivate my dreams. Feeling your presence just made it a reality. I will dedicate my Masters Degree to you. Hopefully Brooklyn College will become my home in Fall 2017. I miss you, continue being King Ugly up there in heaven because you are truly missed down here in the real world. Thank you & I love you always!

 

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Time Heals All Wounds

Time Heals All Wounds

I am a mental hoarder. I’ll admit it, I keep bank records of mental notes, scribble all over notebooks ideas and crap, and the most challenging and the ones that keep me up all night, I stamp time sensitive and revisit. If it resulted in feeling and fearing, I will come back to it when I am mentally ready to take on another round of it. Umm.. it’s like chemotherapy. At first its foreign, an invader of the most aggressive form, eventually you choose to try to over power it and consume it, but you loose yourself in the process. But in time… you face it, grow some type of immunity and wall to what’s happening and then get hopefully and try to kick this in the ass because you need to overcome and survive it. To refrain from giving further metaphorical analysis, I will just express rather than give frosting.

I have revisited Grey’s Anatomy. That show is another challenge in itself. I have addictively engulfed a month of my soul and got myself through ten seasons and yes… new perspective. I used to watch the show and watch it for the sake of knowing ‘Grey.’ No fudge given about Grey now! Honestly, I watched it to relieve my nerves about surgery because I had to get surgery recently on my right foot, and honestly it was one of the most challenging times for me. I always thought I felt helpless at times, but this was the actual feel. But this show has hit me where it hurts, chewed me up, made me happy, I don’t even know.

My immediate feel…The thought that being a surgeon is being an artist. Absurd, but very true. Surgery is one of the most beautiful works of art I have ever seen. Your paintbrush a scalpel, a ten-blade. You’re restoring and creating a works of art. The love for this art, how it is performed, saving someone, making them have opportunity is amazing. The thoughts of sacrifice,  having improvement depend on this person to restore hope, change. Re-stating once again this isn’t about Grey, it is about artistically living life. Life, there is beauty in this struggle. Innovation, and then there is love.

Love, the foundation that makes you, breaks you? I hate to be a sappy hopeless romantic but I am. I cannot help it, but love, the earthquake love. You move planets, create and cultivate of it, I have yet to encounter this. It’s moved me to tears, question elements, try to move mountains when watching it second hand, but actually feel it, never. There will always be one episode that will transform me. Preston Burke, ‘Cardiothoracic God,’ Harper Avery Award winner. My favorite Grey’s Anatomy character to date. Basically perfection, perfect dose of arrogance, prestige, beauty, intelligence, passion, my myriad of traits can go on, but he moves me. Like earthquake move me. That scene, where he offers Christina Yang his hospital, God only knows it puts me at the edge of my seat. That earthquake love, because although the complications were immense, the way he loved her, struggled for her, sacrificed for her, that was… interesting to say the least. Walking away? How does on survive that?  Even the most beautiful work of art has a story. His job is literally to mend broken hearts, but his is basically broken.

That scene, DID YOU SEEE THAT?! I am SHOOK! I get chills, I get major chills. Loving the impossible, but cultivating more beauty when revisiting the product. Hope in the so called impossible, what you perceive as impossible but brilliance. When the love for the art you dedicate your life is profusely fierce, do you make the sacrifice or will they sacrifice for you? I will learn that one when it comes and hope to make the best decision, because so it seems that technically no matter what decision you make you are technically sacrificing. Experiences make you, so you learn from experiences. Making mistakes, it is okay to practice perfection but perfection has flaws, owning up to the flaws, learning from them, creating more perfection. I REMAIN SHOOK. Like seriously, if you didn’t do so on the top, YOU NEED TO WATCH THIS SCENE! Learning through experience, free falling, now that is life. Facing your fears, but living your dreams. Be you! Knowing when enough is enough, feeling, living but remembering to feel.

Surfaced Emotion (Personal Rant)

Surfaced Emotion (Personal Rant)

Welcome to my first ever personal rant on my blog, but I just had to speak and writing brings me tranquility. My first question… When has focusing on your own progression and your own happiness ever a problem? I just don’t get it. Just a small disclosure, this may get malignant sooner than expected, but honestly, when has focusing on your progression become a problem? Now I begin my personal rant, sorry but this just really upset me.

So yesterday I went to dinner, and I sat down and basically got told all stuff (I have no other words for this). While listening to all this, my first reaction was honestly thanking God that I have grown up. People’s opinions no longer sway me, or play the role that it used to. I have learned to embrace and love both where I am strong, and what I still have yet to fix. But the things I got told just made me open my eyes to just how much I have grown, and to what magnitude.

First off, I grew up with a single mother who made coins at the end of the week basically. Like my mom literally went to work Monday to Friday from 8am up until 6pm and came home, took the little bit she earned and made it work. She got help from my father, but by help I mean enough to pay the rent that we had to pay in the little room we rented in someone’s apartment and that was about it. If my mom ended up with more than two dollars in her pocket for the week, that was a miracle. If there is anything I learned from all this was being humble, and not letting your worth be defined by what you had, but more so your intelligence and your struggle, and just how much you would do to achieve better than what you had. I am ambitious, and that is where it stems from. My struggle, my mom’s struggle, our struggle.

Last night I was told that I think that I am better than everyone else, and that I feel I am higher in status. That I live in a world where everything is about me. That I am investing so much time in planning my life, and making sure that I find myself stable that I will never embrace love, or the soon to be man I will spend the rest of my life with because he will not fit in my perfectly planned life I have set out to live. That I will end up alone, because all I worry about is myself.

Okay I have a few things to say to that, I have never thought I was better than anyone else. I have lived my life, and fought my struggles, and what I have I have fought for, or earned in spite of my hardships. There were days where I went to school wearing the same uniform for two days in a row because my mom could only afford a certain number of uniforms. I only saw new sneakers when my mom received her income tax back when I was in grade school. I work long shifts in order to afford my own things, and get me through college when I no longer got financial aid. I have worked and struggled in my college career. So am I not supposed to be proud that I graduated with the bachelor’s degree I struggled so hard to attain? Am I not supposed to be proud that I went sleepless nights for six years to accomplish this goal? This does not make me better than anyone else, however this marks one of my many accomplishments to come that I worked extremely hard for. This world is not about me, nor am I fully centered on myself. I have people which I love, and express my love to everyday, because they are reasons why I have accomplished all the things that I have. Their love and motivation do not go unnoticed.  So what if I choose to not have a significant other at the moment, that doesn’t mean that it isn’t out there for me just waiting for the perfect moment.

I am happy with who I am, with what I have accomplished, and what I have at the moment. Ignorance is bliss, and the fact that a significant other is the major key of happiness is ignorance. Love who you are first. The moment you embrace yourself, love yourself and surround yourself with positive vibes you open the doors to all the opportunities set in store for you.

I will leave you wanting more…

I will leave you wanting more…

I’ll leave you wanting more each time. I am not just saying that, I am sure of that.

Although I am damaged and I have made my fair share of mistakes, many, many, many mistakes. What makes me different is that I will own up to them and try to grow from them as much as I can. Most of the time, I will fail, only because I don’t have all the answers. Or maybe, I am just trying to strive for world domination when I should take it one step at a time and focus on what’s right in front of me. The beauty of it is that I am human.

Humans are such extraordinary creatures. They are very diverse, unique and so different. They bring different things to the table, they are intelligent and they have the power to produce different things. They have awesome ideas, wisdom, and are able to influence and change things. They have a world of opportunities. They have chances, goals and each their own weaknesses. They are different in a world where being different is often not accepted, but they remain strong and push harder. I am one of those humans.

I am strong, maybe to sensitive and soon to be successful. I am driven, motivated and goal oriented. I aim to be the best I can be in what I set out to do. Although I will start small so that I can learn more, I will be a talented teacher someday. I give different approaches; I laugh super hard until my eyes become so small they disappear. I am caring, loving and I aim to be the best daughter I can be everyday, because my parents are amazing. I am a best friend, to amazing individuals who motivate me to be a better person each day and bring out all my potential past the insecurities. When I cry, I have people who wipe my tears and make me better. I would be an amazing sister, but my biological brothers don’t give me the chance, still doesn’t stop me from thinking I would be amazing. I am caring, although bossy and pushy at times, I do it because I care. When I care too much, I get mean and overly sensitive, but I just care! I have big curly hair that makes me insecure because my cheeks are too fat and I look like a chipmunk, but I am beautiful this way. I am intelligent, and ready for more!

But I will leave you wanting more each time, because I am me, and that’s what’s most important. There is no one else like me in this world, just me. But I will leave you wanting more…

to the legendary class of 2016.

to the legendary class of 2016.

On June 2nd 2016 I made history. I lived through a day that was a complete experience and everything I dreamt it would be. I sat next to my best friends and as I switched my tassel from left to right, a dream came true. I am a graduated historian, my mom’s only child and father’s only daughter who has finally become a college graduate. This is only the beginning, a scary beginning of a more interesting road to follow. I want to thank everyone who has contributed to this exceptional experience. It may be bittersweet because it has made up so many years of my life but with God first, I can accomplish anything!

I dedicate the following to the legendary class of 2016. We made it!

Graduation is the Sun

 Shining rays of hope, opportunity, the door of sadness,

That phoenix that crashed and burned,

Becoming…Flames that gave life to,

The longing,

The passion,

The desire,

To accomplish dreams, sealed with hooded honor, prestigious cap and completion of Great Work.

That paper, so meticulously folded, in the red ribbon of

New Beginnings.

The Sun, that cosmic eye, concentrated and intense,

Viewing outwards…

To that tender embrace, the tears, the emotion… love.

Divine rejuvenator of the day,

The day you are born again,

Set forth to push limitations,

The world is your oyster,

Clarity and growth.

Of all the days she saw the sun, today marks a day in particular,

The day she welcomed in haste,

But dismissed in agony,

Today she saw dominion.

Her dreams a reality, opposition a foreign language.

Today her world was conquered.

Curls in the sun, cap in the air,

Her hard work earned,

A New Beginning.

The King of Rebirth

The King of Rebirth

“Ay Amor Divino, pronto tienes que volver, a mi…” My mom’s voice consumes the hallway with the singing she starts her Sundays morning with. That long text message that makes everything better. The email that congratulates you to a new opportunity. The big sign that says “Congratulations Class of 2016” that I see in my near future. The pages of the books that make me feel the words left unspoken. Words, my sanity. The visual, told, scripted, rawest emotions felt, captured and kept. Words, the portal of my pleasure and pain. Words, the distinct selection to capture the moment. Words, the driving force of time travel. Words, the influencer, the teacher, wisdom, truth, words… My sanity, my truth, my story.

Reoccurring dreams are the dreams I write down, and pay particular attention to. Creepy dreams, although bone chilling have always held a particular fascination. The historian in me awakens. It’s a research paper. Following the research, I do matching and analyzing. I look to explain the surroundings and apply it to what is actually happening. I take notes with citations, then finally… words.

For the past three mornings, I have found myself waking up to “Desperate Housewives.” Meaning I have no recollection of when I am falling asleep. I wake up way before my alarm freaking out, then, writing things down about this horrible dream I keep having. I am laying on my back with my Harry Potter book in hand, doing light reading. Suddenly my bed becomes this grassland, and this one long snake starts wrapping itself around me starting from feet and when it gets to my shoulders it stops and starts looking at me. Bone chilling, unblinking eyes, cold almost, hissing with this hooded skin. I can’t scream, I can’t move, because if I even thought of moving it would constrict me. It just keeps looking at me, and then it came close to my neck, and I wake up jumping out of my sleep, to Desperate Housewives playing.

After much research: Fun fact, King Cobras are the most aggressive snakes in the world. Once threatened the king will not back down! A drop of the king’s venom can kill a grown elephant and 10-15 humans. King Cobras are terrifying, point blank, end of discussion and if I ever got up and close with one I would be dead. Now, why didn’t I die? These facts all lead to my death.

The history lesson definitely helped more than the scientific lesson, that’s for sure. When a snake appears into your life and particularly in your dreams, it means opportunities, change, important transitions and increased energy are manifesting. They represent much needed spiritual healing, with the snake serving as spiritual guidance. Freud said to dream of a snake was to dream of yourself, and if it turns and bites you it’s supposed to be good, a form of self revelation. To Native Americans, a symbol of transformation and healing. Shedding of skin links life, death and rebirth. Before the cobra specifically sheds its skin, the eyes will begin to cloud making it look like its in a trance. This trance is the way it travels from the living to the dead, and upon its “return” its eyes will return to original form, and the shedding of skin begins happening. The shedding is a long procedure, once complete resulting in new life.

With an attempt to fathom the idea of this snake, I am left with questioning what is it that I can unconsciously understand that I need to let go of, but in my waking life I feel conflicted or trapped? The snake trapped me, so what is it? Mesmerizing eyes seducing my heart and soul, directly looking into me as an indication that I need to look more closely at what my heart desires and what makes me strong. The pages of my journal being my trusted companion, words will document my journey.

The Reasons WHY.

The Reasons WHY.

It seems as if life is filled with moments of delayed gratification and instant gratification that make you question things, and your efficacy is what predicts outcomes. However, when all things are said and done, you can’t help, depending the outcome, sit yourself down and ask yourself the famous question: Why? Why did I do that? Why was I so mean? Why didn’t I say something? Why? … Why? … Why?

I define WHY, as Whole Heartedly Yearning for answers. The power of reason is the logical explanation as to why you’re always asking questions. It’s funny because isn’t it easier to answer other peoples why’s and not your own. Have you not found yourself giving awesome advice and not being able to take your own? Or you are so able to determine and map out someone’s actions, and not even have a clue to your own. Me personally, I hate asking myself why, because I will sit there for hours and play the famous waiting game on my own thoughts. It seems as if some of my why’s have answers that are universally defined and then others leave you in the dark. No matter how deep you go soul searching, you can’t answer why? Did you do it for yourself or did you do it to make another person happy? Seriously… why?

Is it possible that the reasons we can’t find ourselves answering our own why’s is because we are the most critical of our own actions? Do our actions actually make or break us in ways that sometimes we choose not to face. Do we choose to shelter ourselves from the truth so that we can delay how powerful the outcome will be on ourselves? I am still learning how to answer my own why’s, because personally I just don’t know if I will wake up the same carefree person the next day. It’s like there’s always those artificial answers to our why’s such as: It was because I had no time, it was because I was tired, or because I can always do it later. But there’s always a deeper reason why, those are just the quick fixes that help us sleep at night.

There just seems to be more at stake when we have to hold ourselves accountable for actually doing what we knew was the right thing to do, and even more at stake when you know you did the wrong thing. But asking why wouldn’t exist if human nature didn’t always question things. Explain yourself to yourself, and even though you may not like it, it’s the only way to reflect and grow. Life is about living and learning. When you don’t ask why and gather reasons then you remain stagnant. Facing the reality is sometimes the much needed wake up call, and the sigh of relief. Don’t allow others to answer your why’s before you answer your own, because others shouldn’t define who you are and why you do things. In the end you are the only voice that really matters, and you choose at what pace you heal and grow.